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sublime satisfaction

impala sex
Hi. My name is Kimberley and I so totally secured my spot in hell this morning.

I had a sleepy-slow start to the day, having stayed up late doing (what else?) some research for a WIP. (Btw, I've shockingly even been making pages lately, too.) I made my coffee, cuddled the ferrets, and moseyed on out to the car. Traffic was just picking up as I rolled on out for work with my favorite morning drive song thundering at me.

Before James Hetfield had finished insisting that I quench his thirst with gasoline, I found myself trapped on 56th behind an older beige Chevy pick-up advertising for Ken Hope's AC Repair. The driver was going fully fifteen miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason other than he seemed to just be in his own little world. He might speed up just a little, then he'd drift back to around 35mph. Mostly, he kept playing with his radio, eating, and picking at his eyes and ears. (Thanks for sharing your Grooming with Fingernails technique, Ken Hope!)

Meanwhile, traffic in the right-hand lane was moving right along, leaving me with no way to move over. I checked in my rearview mirror. There were cars backed up into the next astral plane of existence thanks to this dude. I stared again at the beige Chevy...and then?


I realized the dude had his mobile number listed on his truck. *gleeee!*

Oh, baby. I snagged my cell phone, set "Fuel" to loop (but turned down the volume just a bit), and dialed Ken Hope's AC Repair number. It was all I could do not to shriek with giddy, giddy joy when I saw the driver in front of me start fumbling around then put a phone to his ear.

"Yello," he said. "Ken speaking."

"Dude, the speed limit is fifty. You're going thirty-five. Speed up or move over." To my delight, Ken actually swerved a little.

"Who is this?" he asked, sounding freaked. I'm guessing that he's been driving around with that advert on his pick-up so long that he'd even forgotten he has his mobile number listed. Amazingly, he did not check his rearview mirror. (Ken! A little less eye-booger action and a little more coffee in the morning might be the way to go!)

I almost -- ALMOST -- quoted Real Genius at him. Instead, I said, "This is the voice of all the traffic behind you, Ken. SPEED UP OR MOVE OVER. Fifty, Ken. Come on, baby. You can do it. I'm rooting for you back here, man. Seriously. Just lay off the brake and try for the gas."

He was flustered as hell, but he did indeed speed up enough that I was able to snap my phone shut and maneuver around him. I cranked Metallica back up and sailed on into work as pleased as I've been in ages. I don't think it will occur to him to call me back, but even if he does, meh. THAT WAS SO WORTH IT.

I'm pretty sure Dean Winchester would be totally proud of me this morning, too. AWESOME.

Happy Thursday, y'all. Cheers!



( 176 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 24th, 2006 12:56 pm (UTC)
you win, you win at life, the past and the future!!!
"This is the voice of all the traffic behind you"
That'll teach him!
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:08 pm (UTC)
That totally beat having my blood pressure jack up from impotent road rage. Oh, baby. There have been so many times I wanted to make that very call to some pokey space cadet. I can't believe I finally had the chance AND the wherewithall to seize the moment. Heee!
(no subject) - sesquipedeviant - Aug. 24th, 2006 03:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - researchgrrrl - Aug. 24th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sesquipedeviant - Aug. 24th, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - researchgrrrl - Aug. 25th, 2006 02:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - fyrdrakken - Aug. 24th, 2006 09:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - researchgrrrl - Aug. 24th, 2006 11:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC)
Smart Hell
I totally worship you. You're in the eugenics program for sure now.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:10 pm (UTC)
Re: Smart Hell
Hey, good to meet you! :D I'm honored but I gotta confess this was less a tribute to my genetics and more down to most excellent coffee and a lifelong exasperation with boneheaded drivers.

But still, you gotta love literally being able to place a call on The Clue Phone. AWESOME.
Aug. 24th, 2006 12:58 pm (UTC)
Dude, you are the coolest thing since ice cream.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:14 pm (UTC)
Your icon is LOVE.

I just can't believe I sparked to the phone number in time to ring up ol' Ken. That was so ridiculously fun. I think Kiki's smarts are starting to rub off on me a little. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC)
You are made of Awesome!

Aug. 24th, 2006 01:25 pm (UTC)
Your userpic is made of Awesome. Hee!

That may be the only time in my life where things come together Just Right so that I can cheerfully (and effectively!) deal with a clueless driver. But that's okay. I will cherish it always and, I suspect, use the thought to soothe myself when I get pinned behind the next bonehead. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC)
Fucking around with bad drivers, it's a moral imperative.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:27 pm (UTC)
Especially ever since that time I found him naked with that bowl of Jello.
(no subject) - deirdre_c - Aug. 24th, 2006 01:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - researchgrrrl - Aug. 24th, 2006 02:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:09 pm (UTC)
I almost -- ALMOST -- quoted Real Genius at him.

Hehehehehe - that would've secured you not only a place in hell, but an ticket on the Purgatory Express.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:30 pm (UTC)
Especially if I had started describing that dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you.

I suspect at that point I would have had to promptly dial a tow service to haul Ken's Chevy out of the ditch. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:15 pm (UTC)
I've tried to start typing three times and had to stop to chortle some more. So perfect. PERFECT!

You are the Queen of the World!

And yessiree, Dean is very proud.

Happy Super Thursday!
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:35 pm (UTC)
That's okay. I sat in Joyce's office and giggled over this for, like, twenty minutes. Ken clearly needed a few more minutes to wake up before he hit the road this morning, yo.
(no subject) - coltshot_1 - Aug. 24th, 2006 04:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:23 pm (UTC)
Clearly, Kiki was on your pillow last night whispering her plots to take over the world into your ear.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:40 pm (UTC)
Kiki obviously knows her stuff, even with Mason trying to eat her brains on a regular basis now.

Good coffee and being in touch with my Inner Dean thanks to my morning drive music didn't hurt, either. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC)

Nice one. That Kiki knows what she's doing.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:45 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking my morning might be off to a better (and less bruised) start than yours. I'm glad that I could pass along some vicarious gleee! thanks to Kiki's lessons on How to Run the World and Still Have Time for Treats and Adventures, though.

That Kiki, she does indeed know what she's doing. :D
(no subject) - margeauxmay - Aug. 24th, 2006 01:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - researchgrrrl - Aug. 24th, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - margeauxmay - Aug. 24th, 2006 02:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:30 pm (UTC)
You should have lots of cake or something. So awesome!
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:48 pm (UTC)
Okay, see, a plan like yours? THAT'S awesome.

I'm totally opting for a yummy dessert at lunch today to mark the evil gleee! of baffling the hell out of Ken Hope while managing to get him out of my way. Excellent idea! YUM.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:34 pm (UTC)
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:51 pm (UTC)
It's so rare that the universe actually aligns everything so beautifully. And also that I have my cell phone charged. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:35 pm (UTC)
James salutes you!
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
*devil horns hands*

James is my best friend when I'm on the road. "Fuel" gets some heavy play in my car. Not to mention in my lab because, seriously, sometimes it's good to be the boss. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:38 pm (UTC)
Dude! You totally win the Ballsy Dame Award. That? WAS AWESOME!!!!!

Aug. 24th, 2006 02:05 pm (UTC)
After spending That Long behind Ken, I think it was less a matter of being ballsy and more a matter of self-preservation. Because, dude. After the eyes and ears? That pretty much left his nose and mouth up next for the picking action and I would have flung myself out of my moving vehicle to avoid witnessing either.

I'm just glad I thought to make the call before I got pissed off and bitchy. I don't think my conversation with Ken would have been nearly as entertaining if I'd been running on anything but my auto-snark setting.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:48 pm (UTC)
That was fabulous! We'll save you one of the good seats in the fifth circle.
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:10 pm (UTC)
Excellent. We'll probably be able to watch Kiki running the place beautifully from there, too.
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:51 pm (UTC)
I bow to your wisdom, wit, and ability to freak out someone else!
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:16 pm (UTC)
Re: Wonderful.
You're too kind. Ken just made me look good by being the sort of guy who apparently can't find his butt with both hands in the morning.

Still, it's a fantastic feeling to actually have placed a call from The Clue Phone. That appeals to my literal-minded self on so very many levels. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
And this is why I'm considering abdicating the Queen of the World title to you.

Clark Kent? Totally dancing jusr for you.
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC)
*gets on down with CK*

Feel free to hang on to the crown, baby. I'd be happy just holding on to my lowly position as Clue Phone Operator. :D
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:00 pm (UTC)
Sheer. Brilliance.

Aug. 24th, 2006 04:16 pm (UTC)
This only underscores the importance of sufficient levels of early morning caffiene. Had Ken had his? I wouldn't have had to make the call. Had I not had mine? I might not have recognized this once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a person-to-person call on an actual Clue Phone.
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, you are the queen of . . . of . . . yeah!
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:28 pm (UTC)
The best part is I know I'll be able to use this as a Happy Place the next time I get stuck behind a nitwit I can't just ring up. I'll always have the comfort of remembering the one time I got to make the space cadet in front of me fire up his boosters. AWESOME.
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
this is god, kent.


you totally win at traffic.

(oh, and kent? stop playing with yourself.
it IS god.
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC)
YES! YES! YES! *flails* That's exactly where I almost went. Oh, man. That movie is an entire house full of laser-popped AWESOME.

This morning was the best use of daytime minutes my cell phone has ever had. :D
(no subject) - tsuki_no_bara - Aug. 24th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC)
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
I needed that dose of cheerful randomness like nobody's business. I'm so glad I had a chance to put my exasperation into something as constructive as pointing out the speed limit to Ken Hope, Repairman at Large.
(no subject) - slb44 - Aug. 24th, 2006 04:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:20 pm (UTC)
Dean Winchester would be so proud. Hell, I am proud. I bet you everyone reading this is proud. You may have a spot in hell, but it'll be a posh suite closest to the pool o' fire =)
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:39 pm (UTC)
That call wasn't just for me, baby. That was for every last one of us who has been trapped behind her own Ken Hope, Repairman at Large, and had no form of redress. At last, we are vindicated! \o/

Next on the list is finding a number for that other perennial favorite, Our Lady of the Perpetual Blinker. She's my other favorite person to wind up behind on the road.
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:26 pm (UTC)
I almost -- ALMOST -- quoted Real Genius at him.

The reference, I'm not getting her. Help please?

And I'll be careful not to tell this little anecdote to my dad. Because he'd go and try that, too and my poor abused nerves could not take that.
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC)
Oops! Sorry about the ethnocentric pop culture reference. Real Genius is a fun 80s comedy that just makes you wanna be awesomely smart and has some absolutely fantastic dialogue.

If you swing back through this entry, tsuki_no_bara actually quotes the bit I had in mind, while deirdre_c and I also tossed a few lines from the flick back and forth to each other.

I'll try to remember not to traumatize you too much if we're ever in a car together. :D
(no subject) - rike_tikki_tavi - Aug. 24th, 2006 06:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:29 pm (UTC)
Fantastically awesome! I only dream of being allowed to THINK about doing something so live-time drive-time cool!

I worship at your altar of technology and the will and ability to use it!
Aug. 24th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
I'm totally cherishing this moment because I don't expect to ever be that smart again. I'm surprised I didn't actually scream a little when I realized I was staring right at his mobile phone number. Heeeee!
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:32 pm (UTC)
Sam Winchester would be curled up in the front seat in embarrassment because of that. Dean, would be laughing hysterically and probably asking you to do all kinds of naughty things with him. John Winchester would be so damned proud (and laughing real quiet-like so as not to encourage his boys).

Me? I love you for that! *makes note to try that trick herself*
Aug. 24th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC)
Sam Winchester would be curled up in the front seat in embarrassment because of that.

Okay. That reason right there? Is totally why I have to give this moment to Dean in a story. Especially if there's nothing urgent going on to necessitate the call. Heeee!
(no subject) - katbcoll - Aug. 24th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 24th, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC)
ha. fantabulous. you for the win!
Aug. 24th, 2006 05:17 pm (UTC)
Hey! Good to see you again. :D And, heeeee, if this morning doesn't demonstrate to everyone the importance of drinking a ridiculous amount of coffee, then everyone must not be drinking the right kind of coffee.
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